After starting with an educational post to my 2nd attempt at blogging somewhat regularly, I thought it was the proper thing to do to document where all those steps toward failure left me.
academic records:
11th semester
gpa: 1.94
59/128 credits completed.
2 midterms coming on monday, same timeslot; I have to take the one I'd rather not take: The other one has a slight edge since it is one of those courses I have had the pleasure of registering for the 6th time.
a paper due thursday.
had 2 midterms last week, took 1. the one i chose not to show up for provided the observational data for my first post (including the optional step, which ended up as a failure, shocking, AND caused me to miss the first class after the exam - no clue about make-up availability). The other one felt good, it always does when you are able to scribble something off accumulated hearsay.
economic situation:
spending more than what my stable/monthly income which is to be cut in half in 6 month's time.
health status:
I think it is safe to say that it's good. medicated just for high blood pressure.
To summarize, it is not BAD bad, just bad enough to make you feel proud of your micromanagement skills if you can achieve something (eg, graduate).
HELP !
You had to make a choice. You were either going to stick to the plan, suck it up, and face the consequences or you were going to ask for help. A shortlist of favors to ask and who to ask them popped in your mind. First you picked the favor with a strictly utilitarian mindset and as you start considering who to ask the favor, as it got personal, it hit you: You were actually about to ask for help for a situation you should be able to contain by yourself. You dismissed the idea immediately, feeling confident that you are better off this way even if that shortlist didn't have any names in it whom you cannot trust to fetch a bodybag should you need one...
2nd person narrative was one of my favourite concepts I have encountered in literature. Even if it wasn't the first time I saw it, Sylvia Plath's "A Day in June" was the piece which made me see the beauty of it (kudos to Meltem Gurle as with the majority of things I can call exciting in literature). I could not think of another way for describing that weird sensation I felt as I decided, so many times, to not to ask any favors for the matter at hand. Fear of what is to come, defiance against the utilitarian in there and the utilitarian in there all mixed up, brought together by, or at least lead by, pride.
Unfortunately, I don't have anything else to say about that, just had to mention it.
Unfortunately, I don't have anything else to say about that, just had to mention it.
2 comments:
Pride is often shows up as reluctance which also goes well with opposing side’s personal prejudices concerning social inclinations of walking the path from help-seeking to dependency. I do not mean, help begets dependency but it may mislead other people by overcautious prejudicial approaches and create a false analysis depending on a very limited real world experience and mostly on public un-common sense.
But, as we all know, this is not the case with you.
Anyways, if you need help, you should consider your shortlist If you really need. I know that trusting people is easy where as testing it is little disturbing since if the subject fails to maintain trustfulness, we might need new reasons to trust, any little thread to hang or we already have the reason to scrap the connection or call it distrustful ever after. I suffer and struggle a lot to keep myself away from testing my trust and limiting the expectations from people. However, as time goes by I learn to ask for an opinion if not for help and I even get the joy of beating my pride on its own game.
So, as situation gets worse and demands more and more micromanagement, please consider asking for an opinion over the matter if not for help.
Independence is delusion where interdependence is a vital need. Consider your friends and family before you are in the need of a body bag. You need to live long enough to teach that skills to everybody else. :)
This post is solely based on incorrect facts like two conflicting midterms, so it may be ignored easily =P
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